


You Weren't Part of the Plan

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Series: A Flame in the Shadows [24]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Feelings Realization, ITS HERE Y'ALL, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, but only VERY MILD COMFORT, fuck you guys this one got me, its THAT moment, please i'm begging, post ep 98, spoilers for wildemount fireside chat, the boys deserve a hug, you guys know what's what for this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23872831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: The Mighty Nein go to the party at the Marquis, cornering Lord Dezran Thain.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: A Flame in the Shadows [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648909
Comments: 40
Kudos: 109





	You Weren't Part of the Plan

**Author's Note:**

> this fic has been brought to you by CRAMPS in partnership with SLEEP DEPRIVATION and PAINKILLERS (although, the cramps were also what caused the delay, but it is what it is)
> 
> honestly tho, i'm super sorry about the week's absence, the Wildmother deadass just came and punched me in the uterus, and man when I said I wanted her to rearrange my guts THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT
> 
> but, here we are folks, at the FUCKING MOMENT that broke me and sent me into this Shadowgast spiral
> 
> I really hope you guys like it!!!

“So, it would seem that you have, ah, come requesting something from me, yes?” Yussa greets as he descends from the upper floors of the Tidepeak, coming to join Jester, Fjord, and Caleb in the sitting room of the tower.

Caleb nods. “Ah - this seems, like, a bit of a stretch, um, I-I was hoping to find, ah, somewhere in town to do a bit of, ah, shopping.” He shifts from foot to foot, looking to the ground. “But I am used to Rexxentrum which is very thick with, ah, you know -”

“Magic,” Jester supplies.

Malice. Murderers. Monsters.

“Rare, rare magic,” Caleb says instead, sticking to the subject at hand. He can’t allow his mind to stray, not now, when all the thoughts in the back of his head hum like an angry wasp’s nest. He would be sleeping poorly tonight, if he even got any sleep at all. “But, um, I - you know, in all my noodling about, I have heard of, um, a way of shielding yourself specifically from, from fairly powerful magic creating a bit of a, ah, a - not really a shield.” He motions vaguely in front of himself, tripping over himself to find the right words. “But like a, ah, a sphere of protection - a globe, if you will. Um…” He looks up at Yussa. “I don’t know if that rings any bells for you, but I do have coin, or I could trade in favor -”

_“That would be a favor accepted,” he’d said, their fingers brushing as Caleb handed him the vial, the wine making Caleb braver that night, letting Caleb seek his touch in just that small movement. His hand was soft, and all Caleb wanted to do was to hold it with no pretext, with no spell that required it, no accidental brush. Caleb wanted to hold his hand on purpose, with no reason in between._

“I do have a few things,” Caleb rushed out, willing the memory away. “Um, and maybe it is presumptuous of me to ask, but,” he looked down, taking a breath before meeting Yussa’s gaze. “Here I am.”

After some quiet contemplation on Yussa’s end - and a quick reminder for Jester as to why specifically Caleb wanted a spell that would help shield him from powerful magic given that they were dealing with extremely lethal arcane practitioners - Yussa spoke up. “I do have such a spell. But, powerful magics are guarded intentionally.” He gave Caleb a searching look. “I will trade you.”

Caleb didn’t trust his voice. Favors, favors all around.

When Caleb said nothing, Yussa continued, “I will allow you to copy this spell.” He gave a noncommittal shrug. “I will supply the materials. But I keep the golem.”

Yussa begins to explain why he wants to keep Willi, something about his utility around the tower, but Caleb doesn’t hear it. He breathes a sigh of relief. He can do this - he can do this and not remain indebted to him.

“Ah, you have yourself a deal,” Caleb finally says.

“Then, follow me,” Yussa instructed, heading back upstairs with Caleb trailing behind a few steps along with Fjord and Jester.

Transferring Willi over to Yussa would take perhaps an hour at most, but, once Yussa presented him with the spell that met Caleb’s specifications, well...copying the spell would certainly take much longer to do.

“I-I think I’m going to be here for the day,” Caleb told the pair. “And I don’t want to stop you, y’know, you maybe - you want to spend more time with your mother or, or, or -”

“Yeah,” Jester nodded. “I - yeah, totally.” She turned to Fjord. “Fjord, do you want to go to the fish market or?”

He furrowed his brow. “I mean, are-are you hungry?”

She shrugged, glancing at Caleb uncertainly. “I - I dunno. Maybe?” She paused for a second, holding up a finger in a _wait a second_ motion. They had seen her do that enough times to know she was receiving a message. Jester’s eyes widened as she gasped. “ _We need dresses! Oh my God, Caduceus!_ ” She turned immediately to Caleb. “ _Caleb, you’re occupied, I will get you something very nice to wear, don’t worry.”_

“Why don’t you choose something for me?” Caleb asked her. And even though he was only slightly worried about putting Jester in charge of dressing him, from the sound of it Caduceus was going to be going with her and he trusted him to not let Jester choose something too ostentatious in his presentation. He felt a slight smile tug on his lips as he thought of their old friend, of his bright laughter and even brighter personality, and when he dug through his various pockets and found his money, he knew that Mollymauk would’ve approved of spending five platinum on something nice to wear to a party. He handed her the coins. “Tasteful,” he suggested. “Tasteful, dig-dignified.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jester grinned, nodding along to what he was saying, looking at the platinum in her hands, and by the gods Caleb hoped he’d made the right decision.

“Because we are, you know, we are hobknobbing with some - some, with the elite people,” he continued. “So not flashy, but, you know,” he drew an arbitrary line in the air. “Understated but -” He redrew the line before pointing at her. “You know what to do.”

“I fully know exactly what you’re talking about,” Jester assured him, but that mischievous glint was in her eye and Caleb was sure this might be the best decision he could have made about this or the worst. He’d only truly know when he got his clothes and saw what Jester had wrought upon him.

And with that, the pair set off, leaving Caleb and Yussa alone to their work.

After the hour’s amount of time that was spent transferring Willi over to Yussa, Yussa began to gather his things, the intent clear in his movements that he was leaving the research area. “Are you not going to…?” Caleb trailed off, looking down at the spell and the components Yussa had provided.

Yussa gave everything a nonchalant once over. “I believe in your ability,” he shrugged. “You’re a quick learner, and an attentive reader - the spell should give you no trouble.”

Caleb nodded at that, feeling the back of his neck burn. He turned back to the spell wordlessly, bringing out his own spellbook and flipping it open to a clean page as Yussa quietly left the room - leaving Caleb alone with his thoughts and memories, memories of a guiding hand and an encouraging smile shared over a new spell, memories of a soft touch and a hushed voice that haunted him in the suffocating silence of Yussa’s tower.

* * *

Essek sat down heavily on his bed, his mantle discarded and forgotten on his bedroom floor. He was still shaken from his encounter with the Mighty Nein on the _Wind of Aeons_ , but more than anything he was shaken from seeing Caleb afterwards, when he’d left the ship and had walked past them on the docks.

_“Pleasure meeting you,” Caleb had gritted out, the tears clear on his face as they ran down his cheeks._

How sickening must it have felt to exchange such pleasantries with someone who counted on friends within the Cerberus Assembly? Caleb had been so viscerally affected from that small time on the ship, from the brief exchange with Da’elth, that he had been reduced to tears.

It made Essek’s heart ache just as much as it almost made him blow his whole cover on the docks when he’d almost reached out to him, the desire to comfort him almost overwhelming Essek as soon as he’d seen Caleb’s distress.

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. All he had to do was get through tomorrow - get through tomorrow and then the rest of the diplomatic journey would be nothing more than impatient waiting in some hidden corner of the _Wind of Aeons_ , and then all of this would be over.

With a sigh, he fell back against his pillows. By the Light, he hated parties.

* * *

As to be expected of a party of this caliber, the Marquis Demesne was beautifully decorated with lanterns dotting the courtyard and surrounding the numerous fountains that led to the entryway of the palace, where many of the guests were gathered, already mingling and partaking in the food and drink that the servers kept readily available for everyone.

It wasn’t hard for Caleb to find Dezran Thain, carefully sipping on a glass of wine not far from where the Martinet stood. Thain met Caleb’s gaze, his eyes widening before he looked away - and if it weren’t for everything, Caleb might have laughed. For the Shadowhand of the Dynasty, Essek was terribly obvious.

Their arrival isn’t just noticed by him, however - the attention of many is drawn by Jester’s mother, parting from Jester’s side once they are inside as she goes to get ready for her performance. Yasha also draws an - albeit unwanted - admirer, Lord Robert Sharpe, which Jester and Veth quickly dispose of by locking him outside on one of the numerous balconies.

Throughout all of this, Caleb keeps his eye on Essek and the Martinet, as well as subtly looking around for any _Vollstrecker_ that might also be attending, and carefully keeping an eye out for Ikithon. Just the thought of running into him here has his stomach in painful knots. He notices the way that “Thain” mirrors the movements of the Mighty Nein, always making sure to stay directly across from them at the party, keeping as much distance as he possibly can between them.

“Lord Thain!” Jester calls out, waving enthusiastically.

“That’s one way to do it,” Caduceus sighs from behind her, glancing at Thain over the top of her head.

“Hi!” Jester exclaims when Thain gives her a small wave. “Hi! Good to see you again!” She waves him over. “Come here!”

He gives an apologetic shake of his head, lifting his glass of wine slightly. It only has a sliver of wine left.

She points at Caleb not so subtly. “Come on, come on, come on!” she coaxes.

Essek’s eyes dart to Caleb before he whips his head away, picking up another wine glass from one of the platters of a passing server and taking a drink before looking down at it as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world.

After that, the group begins to scatter. Caduceus and Beau go out onto one of the balconies for some fresh air, and Jester and Veth disappear completely as Fjord heads over to have a chat with Captain Deremi. Yasha floats by silently, seeming much more at ease than Caleb would have assumed at a party with so many people.

Caleb also floats around for a bit, using some of his unassuming charm to breeze by conversations. He catches Essek watching him a few times, can feel his gaze whenever it lands on him, but Caleb pays him no mind. He keeps him in his peripheral vision, but other than that, Lord Dezran Thain is as much a stranger as almost everyone else at the party.

A handful of unimportant conversations later brings Caleb into Ludinus Da’leth’s circle. “Ah, Mr. Widogast,” the Martinet greets, giving a small incline of his head. “Good to see you.”

“ _Ja_ , good evening,” Caleb answered, returning the formality. “Good evening. Um -”

“The performance should be beginning shortly,” Ludinus told him as he glanced around the palace, taking in what seemed to be last minute preparations. It was his way of dismissing him before Caleb had even gotten more than a couple of words in.

“Well, I’ll be brief,” Caleb started. He wasn’t going to be brushed aside. “Ah, we are about to embark on, ah, quite an historic undertaking.”

“Right,” the Martinet nodded.

“I am wondering,” Caleb continued, choosing his words carefully. He couldn’t risk revealing what they already knew. “We are within, ah, reach of a possible end to this conflict.” He glanced down at his own glass of wine, something he had picked up throughout his handful of previous conversations. “Cheers,” he abruptly said, extending the glass to the Martinet.

“Cheers to that,” he answered, raising his glass.

“Yeah,” Caleb nodded. He didn’t drink. “It will be good to finish this war.” He kept his gaze on the Martinet, unflinching.

“Indeed it will be,” Ludinus agreed.

Caleb glanced away, trying to appear casual in his demeanor. “I commend you, ah, on seeing the, ah, reason in cooperation.” His eyes pass over Lord Thain, where he was watching the pair, holding his drink with a vice like grip. “And negotiation,” Caleb finishes, looking at the Martinet again.

“I believe it is important to stem the tide of lives lost,” Da’leth says, and Caleb has to hand it to him, he was a particularly good actor. He had just the right tinge of apologeticness in his tone that could be construed as the Martinet reigning in his emotions to remain professional. “And to instead focus on the livelihood of those within the Empire, and for us to pursue more important things -”

The image of the beacon in the Vergesson Sanitorium burned brightly in Caleb’s mind.

“- than base conflict and disagreements,” he frowned.

“ _Ja_ ,” Caleb nodded, plastering a self deprecating smile on his face. “I couldn’t agree more. The Empire - we all love the Empire.”

Da’leth gave him a sideways glance. “To an extent.”

He knows that the Martinet has no idea, that he can’t possibly already know that they know, but Caleb drops his gaze nonetheless. “How much have you spoken to my,” the word catches in his throat as the familiar itch begins to crawl across the jagged skin of his arms. “Master?” He forces himself to look up again. “About me, I wonder.”

“I assume you’re referring to, ah, Mister Ikithon?” The Martinet asks, using his name on purpose despite how much Caleb wanted to avoid it.

“Of course,” Caleb answered, devoid of emotion.

“Only a little bit,” Da’leth shrugs, casual as ever, as if they were merely commenting on party gossip and not about the man that had ruined Caleb’s life. “He briefed me on your history and, ah, I must say, it is rather impressive to see someone who has gone through - escaped and shucked the chains of the _Vollstrucker_ and returned, ah, as you have with your friends.”

“Well, I am a dis - disappointment to my teacher, I am sure,” Caleb gets out. He looks around, not finding anywhere to settle his gaze as his breaths begin to come at a quicker pace that he hopes isn’t noticeable. “As well as many of my peers.”

“Your teacher’s a disappointment to many others,” Ludinus deadpans, and hearing that makes Caleb turn to him in surprise. “He has his uses but, ah,” an expression of distaste passes over the Martinet’s face. “People are complicated, are they not?”

“That they are,” Caleb agrees, his voice coming out much steadier than he would have expected. He takes a deep breath, before asking against his better judgement, “How much do you know about his teaching methods, I wonder?”

“Quite a bit,” the Martinet admits. “He, ah - he put forth his designs, and they were approved by the Assembly when they first began developing the program for the _Vollstrucker_.” If Caleb didn’t know who he was talking to, he might even believe that he heard a hint of regret in his voice. “Though the extent of these things were not entirely part of the initial presentation, I understand that sometimes desperate requirements might call for unsavory methods.”

“And you are fully aware of these methods now, is that what you are telling me?” Caleb presses.

“I believe so,” the Martinet tells him. A minor deflection, not fully admitting but not denying either.

Caleb holds his gaze for a handful of beats. “The program goes on.”

“The program has changed many times,” Ludinus says.

Forcing out a breath and feeling the way his jaw clenches, Caleb glances away. “Ah, are you, ah, alone, on the ship, ah - Trent is not accompanying and neither are his proteges?”

“No,” Ludinus answers, giving him a humorless laugh. “He thankfully has no interest in, in such political endeavors. And he would be,” he pauses, taking a quick glance around the party. “Let’s just say, a terrible guest in a social environment.”

He looks up at the Martinet again. “I don’t think he would agree with me, but I am a patriot, sir, for this country.” Not his home anymore - but does he really have a place to call home now, after everything they’ve found out? “And I dearly hope for a true end to this conflict.” His words are pointed, his meaning obvious.

“Well, you’re on the right path,” Ludinus nods.

“Do you think we could say goodbye to this hardship in the next weeks?” Caleb asks, letting his voice soften to something more hopeful, something less accusatory.

Da’leth gives him a hard stare. “I think we can.” The words are carefully picked, making him sound sincere and professionally distant all at the same time. But Caleb knows better than to believe him at mere word alone.

A knot forms in his throat, thinking about everyone who has paid the price for the avarice of the few. Thinking about how many people mindlessly follow their banner like how he once did and are at their beck and call, hoping that their work will better their country when in reality all it does is better the people who give them orders. “My father and mother died for this country,” Caleb gets out. “Ours. Many have - many more will.” He takes a shaky breath, swallowing the memories down. This is not the time for that. “I hope your intentions are true. It's very much why my friends and I are here.”

“Well then,” the Martinet says, his eyes still watching Caleb intently. “Best of luck on the travel ahead.” He could be genuine in his well wishes or he could be giving him a thinly veiled threat - Caleb doesn’t know. The Martinet raises his glass in Caleb’s direction.

Caleb copies the movement. “I am looking forward to the journey together,” he emphasizes. The Martinet nods, taking a sip from his drink. Caleb’s glass moves nowhere near his lips. “Enjoy the party,” he whispers.

“You as well,” Ludinus returns, and Caleb takes his leave, quietly floating off to join another conversation, feeling Essek’s eyes follow him as he goes.

* * *

He shouldn’t be at all surprised that wherever the Mighty Nein go, they will certainly draw everyone’s attention. Tonight’s party is no different, it seems, because as soon as they set foot onto the grounds of the palace, a ripple of whispers spreads out amongst the guests, with some pointing out Jester’s mother - the infamous Ruby of the Sea - and others taking note of the adventurers themselves.

Essek, though - Essek feels his heart slam into his throat as soon as he sees them.

They’re dressed for the occasion, with Jester, Veth, and Yasha in beautiful dresses, and Veth even looking like her halfling self for the event, and Beauregard in an immaculately tailored suit. Fjord wears a rather impressive ensemble that is reminiscent of a sea captain, with an enormous captain’s hat that somehow pulls it all together quite nicely. Caduceus sticks to his pastel hues, with the mint green frock coat instantly making him look ready for the party while still retaining his signature easy going air. And Caleb -

Caleb walks in almost shyly at the back of the group, like he usually does, but Essek knows he would never miss whenever this man walked into the room.

He wore a long black fitted coat, the silver embroidery that lined it catching the lantern light and shimmering like starlight. There were hints of red and gold when he moved, small peeks of it at the edges of the fabric. It kept drawing Essek’s eyes to Caleb’s hands, to the slope of his shoulders and the soft lines of his neck. His hair was down, but was kept from falling into his face by a small braid that pulled the fiery hair back. The few strands that framed his face contrasted with his beautiful blue eyes -

Swallowing hard, Essek abruptly looked away as soon as he realized Caleb was looking right at him. He took a sip of his wine. He needed to keep it together - and stay away from them.

It wasn’t hard to keep track of them and stay on the opposite side of the room, but it was a close call when Jester had tried to bring him over to the group, something he had avoided with a polite wave before picking up another wine glass.

However, things certainly got a little more difficult when the group splits up. Veth and Jester disappear altogether while Fjord drifts off to talk to a Dwendalian sea captain while Yasha merely observes the party goers. Caduceus and Beauregard break away and go outside before returning, with Caduceus sticking close to Beauregard as she takes everything in with eyes as wide as saucers, a dreamlike expression on her face. It makes Essek nervous that whenever her eyes fall on him she unflinchingly stares, head tilted to the side, making Essek all the more self conscious and worried.

He tries to keep track of the group subtly, moving his gaze languidly over everyone and calculating his position to continue moving away from them, but then he sees Caleb and the Martinet, and a hot prick of anger begins to boil in his stomach. The Martinet looks down on Caleb, his words perfunctory and short from the looks of it, while Caleb is stiff in his movements, his own words coming out through a clenched jaw. The hand not holding his glass of wine shakes at Caleb’s side, and Essek is reminded of his tears on the docks the day before.

Their exchange doesn’t last long, but it lasts long enough that Essek can see Caleb struggling to keep himself together by the time he walks away from Ludinus - and, to make his own matters worse, he’s been so focused watching Caleb that he’s dropped his guard.

Essek glances to the side, catching sight of Jester smiling up at him eagerly.

It's a miracle that Essek doesn’t jump out of his skin. “Ah, ah, - ha, ah, you are, you are one of the, ah -”

“Mighty Nein, I met you yesterday,” Jester reminds him.

He nods. “Mighty Nein, yes. Introduced yesterday.”

“Yeah,” Jester grins. She looks at him curiously. “You’re a lord here?”

“What, what - what?” Essek gets out, buying himself time to get himself together.

“You’re a lord here in town?” Jester repeats.

“Y-yes, yes, I am,” he answers, already severely regretting his cover.

“Where do you live?” she asks, smoothing out nonexistent wrinkles on her dress. 

“Around,” Essek shrugs, making a vague gesture with his hand.

Jester holds his gaze, blinking owlishly. “Around here?”

“Yes,” Essek says quickly.

“The Marquis?” Jester clarifies.

“Well, not here, specifically,” he stumbles over himself to explain. “But I’m,” he makes an even more vague gesture. “I move after I travel, it gets boring.” He looks down at his drink, cursing himself for his nervousness, before he looks up at her again, remembering how Fjord tried to excuse himself from the ship. “I’m so sorry, I’m not feeling well - I should probably get going.”

“Oh, do you have stomach issues?” Jester says quietly, giving him a worried look.

He latches onto her excuse quickly. “Oh, terribly, yes.”

Jester frowns, “Oh noo, but you can’t leave.”

“Ah, but I must,” he shrugs, already trying to surreptitiously move away. “But -”

“But my mama’s about to perform,” she tells him, pointing to where the Ruby of the Sea had disappeared earlier to get ready. “Have you ever been to the Lavish Chateau?”

“N-no,” he answered honestly.

“She is one of the most famous performers ever,” she informs him. “You know, I can help heal you if you have stomach issues, I’m a cleric,” she offers. “That way you don’t have to go anywhere, y’know?”

He’s not exactly sure how healing magic works - he doesn’t know if the magic might somehow reveal to her that he’s not who he seems, so he just nods, saying, “I will happily stay for the performance. Um -”

Jester smiles, her whole expression brightening. “Oh, wonderful.” She links her arm in his, and he stiffens immediately, but she doesn’t seem to notice as she points out a spot he doesn’t find because of his nervousness. “I think she’s performing over here - oh my gosh, I can’t believe you live here and you’ve never come to see her! She’s amazing.”

“I am - I am, ah, what you would refer to as an introvert,” he admits, and Luxon’s light if that wasn’t painfully obvious right now.

She gasps. “She is too! It’s surprising, I know, because she’s like, so outgoing, and everything, but she likes to stay at home. Do you?”

“Ah, uh…yes,” he answers, beginning to drink some of his wine to keep from having to elaborate - and thankfully, that is when the Ruby of the Sea is announced and her performance begins.

* * *

Marion Lavorre has certainly earned her reputation as one of the most famous performers in the Menagerie Coast. Her voice carries beautifully - in Zemnian, Caleb quickly realizes - entrancing everyone around her.

It’s a ballad about lovers, something soft and sweet, detailing harrowing trails and a tumultuous quest to reunite with their beloved. Caleb has heard it only a handful of times, never having been one to stay long and partake in the merriment of the taverns the Mighty Nein had frequented on their travels, but hearing it now makes Caleb’s chest ache.

He glances over to Lord Thain, to Essek, and catches him taking a sip of his drink.

* * *

“Lord Thain, are you okay?” Jester asks, looking up at him - but Essek can’t move. He glances around, his eyes moving in a panic. “What’s going on? Lord Thain?” she whispers.

With all the strength he has, all he can muster is a strangled groan.

“Is it your stomach?” she continues. She puts her other hand on his arm. “Oh god, oh god,” she mumbles, looking around. “Are you okay?” She begins to rub his stomach. “Is it your stomach? Is it your stomach?” People begin to glance over and Jester immediately lowers her voice. “I mean, I’m going to keep it down, I’m going to keep - do you, don’t, pay attention to the song, she’s performing, God stop looking at me,” she scolds, waving away the looks of the people around them.

She glances around one more time, and Essek can see Caduceus and Yasha getting closer and Jester gently begins to pull him away, off to the side, towards the courtyard - something that is much, much easier to do thanks to his cursed levitation.

“I don’t know - I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what happened,” she rushes out quietly when her friends draw close.

“What’s going on?” Yasha whispers.

They’re outside now, and the courtyard is practically empty with everyone inside watching the performance. Essek still can’t move, but he can feel his heart hammering in his chest, and it almost threatens to impale itself on his ribs when he hears, “What, ah, what, what, what - what are we doing here? This is not exactly the plan that we talked about. What are we doing?” Caleb.

Jester stops moving, bringing Essek to a stop too. “I don’t know,” Jester gets out. “I don’t know. I don’t -”

“What did you do to him?” Caleb asks, worry coloring his voice.

“I didn’t do anything, I was just talking to him -” Jester begins, when she’s interrupted by loud tutting.

They glance around, trying to find the sourceless sound. “Hi, hi -” It's Veth.

“Oh, hi,” Jester answers, looking vaguely in the direction her voice came from.

“Hi.” There’s a beat of silence. “He can - he can hear us,” she warns.

Jester nods. “I know, it's just Lord Thain is all of the sudden turned -”

“Are you okay?” Yasha asks him, looking at Essek - at _Thain_ , he reminds himself in a panic.

He gives another muffled groan, no words coming out.

“That’s very weird,” Caduceus notes.

“This gentleman has had some sort of a sei-seizure of some sort,” Veth explains, and Essek moves his eyes rapidly to try and find where she is.

“Oh, god,” both Jester and Yasha frown.

“We should do our best to, ah -” Veth continues.

“Should I cast, like, _greater restoration_ on him?” Jester asks, and Essek doesn’t know healing magic, he doesn’t know what would be worse - he doesn’t know if she’ll discover him by healing him or if they’ll discover him once the hour is up if whatever has paralyzed him hasn’t let up.

“Well, ah, maybe,” Veth considers. “But let’s try some other things first.”

Jester begins to pull him again, and suddenly he feels his arm move beneath her touch just as Caleb says simply, “Why is he floating?”

He stumbles as his muscles loosen, and Jester asks him if he’s okay but he’s not listening, his mind swimming with Caleb’s short question, with the way his voice sounded, clipped and harsh.

“I have to go,” he gets out, pulling himself free from Jester’s grasp.

Caleb moves closer, stepping in front of him. “Uh, I don’t think so,” he tells him, his hands reaching for Essek’s and before Essek can react, a set of manacles close around his wrists with a resounding click.

“What - what are you doing,” Essek rushes out, desperately grabbing a hold of Caleb’s hands. “What are you doing?” He stumbles against Caleb, feeling himself blink out of consciousness for a split second before he struggles to straighten himself, heaving out a shaky breath and looking into Caleb’s face.

Jester hovers beside the pair, looking down at his manacled hands. “Caleb, what are you doing?” she whispers.

“What are you doing?” Caleb asks, but he’s looking right at Essek - and this time he doesn’t try to mentally correct himself, because Caleb is looking through him, looking at Essek beneath his illusion.

She shakes her head. “What are you talking about - I was just talking to Lord Thain here.”

Essek can’t handle it, he can’t take the look on Caleb’s face. He rushes out the incantation, casting _misty step_ and teleports himself outside of the gate, away from Caleb, away from all of them.

His hands are free again and so he begins to rapidly trace out in the air the runes to _teleport_ when he hears Caduceus loudly say, “ _Stop_.”

To his absolute horror, he finds himself frozen in place again, and he can hear Caduceus wave the guards away with an easy, “It’s fine, we just have to finish a conversation.”

“Sorry, our friend’s had too much to drink,” Caleb explains, and Essek feels a knot rise to his throat, thick and painful as tears prick his eyes. _Our friend_.

“Yeah, it's just a quick conversation,” Caduceus finishes.

The sound of the gate opening reminds him too much of the cells of the Dungeon of Penance before Caduceus steps into view. “You really do want to talk to us,” Caduceus tells him. “I - I think it's very important. You do.”

Caleb comes around beside Caduceus, crossing his arms. “A lot at stake here,” he adds.

“A lot,” Caduceus agrees.

All the fight goes out of Essek when he feels he can move again. He looks down, unable to meet their gaze. He swallows hard. This is how it ended. “Fine then - show me where.”

* * *

The walk to the _Balleater_ doesn’t take particularly long as they make their way through the Restless Wharf in silence - save for the _messages_ Caleb and Jester _send_ to tell Fjord and Beau where they’re heading.

Thain walks at the center of their group, flanked by Yasha and Caduceus, with Veth bringing up the rear and Jester and himself leading the way. He makes no attempt to escape as they go, not even when they cross the gangplank and board their ship, not even as they head below deck and into a room that holds cargo that’ll be big enough for the group.

As soon as they’re all inside, Thain turns around to face them, the _disguise_ dropping. The pale complexion of Lord Dezran Thain disappears, leaving dark skin in its wake. It had always reminded Caleb of the sky after midnight but before dawn, that ethereal in between of soft darkness.

It’s Essek, in a simple dark cloak, much less elaborate than his usual mantle, making him look a little smaller where he floats. His white hair, almost always in it's elegant coif, looks messier now. A few strands fall across his forehead, probably knocked out of place during their brief struggle outside of the Marquis. He still doesn’t meet their gaze.

“Yasha, please guard the door,” Caleb instructs her, his eyes never leaving Essek.

“I already am,” Yasha nods, as Jester gasps.

“Oh my gosh - it’s Essek! What, what!” she exclaims.

Essek glances over at her before he drops his gaze again.

“ _Hallo_ ,” Caleb starts, because he has no idea where else to start, but then Yasha lets out a sigh.

“It’s like I said,” she shrugs, only continuing when Essek looks at her. “Never trust floaty hot bois.”

He drops his head, letting out a short breath.

“What are you doing?” Jester asks him.

“Yes, friend, what are you doing?” Caleb echoes, forcing himself to keep his voice steady even as he feels the way his hands shake.

Essek closes his eyes, looking as if he’d just received a physical blow.

“I’m sorry,” he gets out quietly. “You all weren’t part of the plan.” He looks up at Caleb, his eyes then moving around to the group before he looks down again.

Tears prick the back of Caleb’s eyes. “Well, you know, we have a limited amount of time,” he looked up, blinking them away.

* * *

“And I would love for you to see the sunrise, so,” Caleb says, and Essek can’t help but look over at him, hearing the bittersweet promise and the heartbreaking threat in Caleb’s words. “If there is a reasonable explanation, we would love to hear it.”

Essek takes a deep breath. He would be dead by daybreak - he would be dead by Caleb’s hand, and even that felt like too merciful an end for him, to be able to have Caleb be the last face he sees as Caleb lives on with another betrayal and more blood on his hands to haunt him.

“It's complicated to express,” Essek starts, accurate yet an understatement with how things had gone down. He turns to Jester, to Caduceus, because he can’t bear to look at Caleb.

“We figured that much,” Jester shrugs. She gestures to one of the crates along the wall. “Do you want to sit down?”

He thinks for a second before nodding. “For this, yes.” He’s afraid he’ll crumple beneath the weight of all of his mistakes once they’re laid bare before them.

“We have all night,” Caleb grits out and it was always so hard for Essek to keep his eyes off of Caleb, wasn’t it? He looks away again when he sees the blue of Caleb’s eyes are colder than they’ve ever been - colder than they were when he first met Essek, colder even than when he met Dezran Thain.

“It may take as much,” Essek admits. He waves a hand, using a burst of dunamancy to pull one of the crates over before he sits down.

“Still cool,” Jester sighs, shaking her head. “Still fucking cool.”

Hearing her bolsters him at the same time that it breaks him. These were his _friends_ , and he betrayed them from the start.

He takes a deep breath. “I -” he says, looking up. He figures he might as well show them just how terribly selfish he truly was. “I have a lot I want to accomplish. And only one person who understood and believed in that idea.” He looks down at his hands, then up at them. “And that’s me.”

They all silently waited for him to continue, and a part of Essek wished they would just strike him down already.

“I’ve done,” he shrugged, shaking his head. There was no nice way of saying it. “Terrible things, in my life.” He looks around at all of them, his eyes landing on Caleb. “As I know many of you have as well.” Essek swallowed, dropping his gaze. “Things you regret,” he said - and what a new emotion that was. “Things you think you’re doing for the right reasons.” He looked down at his hands, the hands of a traitor, a coward. “I cannot say I regret what I’ve done,” because he knows himself enough, knows deep down that if the opportunity presented itself again, he would probably make the same decisions. “I just regret how things have changed since I made that decision.” All those lives lost, all those innocents paying the price for progress they’ll never know - all of it, because of him.

Essek bowed his head, wanting to hide, to disappear, but he swallowed that down. “You,” he says, looking up at Caleb, desperate, so, so desperate for Caleb to believe him. Desperate to show him that he’s changed beyond recognition, and it was all because of them, because of Caleb. “Weren’t part of the plan.”

* * *

“Well, number one,” Jester starts, but Caleb can’t take his eyes off Essek, he can’t stop looking at him, he can’t shake his words, can’t shake his feelings. “What did you want to accomplish? Number two, just fucking explain the plan, ‘cause we’ve been guessing and it's, I don’t know if we’re right, it’s -”

“He doesn’t want to say it out loud,” Caduceus says, and Caleb knows exactly what he means.

“You want to write it down? You want to draw it?” Jester offers. “Do you want -”

“No,” Caduceus answers for him.

“You want to play charades?” Jester tries.

“No, he -” Caduceus says again.

“First word - world domination?” she guesses.

“If he says it out loud then he’s gonna have to hear what it is,” Caduceus explains. He gives Essek a long look. “And he’s not going to like who he is when he hears it.”

And gods, isn’t that Caleb too? Isn’t his whole life a secret to hide the monster that he is?

“I know you’re a good - you’re a good man,” Caduceus assures Essek, and Caleb wants to agree out loud, but he can’t find the words that will make it past the lump in his throat.

“You are, we know you, Essek,” Jester echoes.

Caduceus continues, “And -”

“I am,” Essek interrupts, speaking up again, “but a humble, selfish creature.” He’s unwavering in the conviction in his words even as they seem to break him to admit.

“But avarice and fear can often disguise themselves in a good man as strength and righteousness,” Caduceus softly counters. “Until he’s forced to unveil them in front of people that he trusts. Just say it. We’re here,” Caduceus promises.

Essek takes a shaky breath, dropping his gaze. “I am sorry. Sorry that you’ve all been pulled into this web of lies.” He looks up, eyes settling on Caleb. “When I first saw you arrive, with the beacon,” he pauses, closing his eyes for a second as he forces out the next words, “one of the two that I gave, I knew I had to be near you to protect what we had done.” He meets Caleb’s gaze, and he looks exhausted, defeated - hopeless. “I had to make sure that you did not get too close to the truth.”

“Backfired,” Jester stage-whispered.

“If I could control,” Essek says, moving past Jester’s comment. “The direction of your meanderings near this -” he searches for the right word, struggling to find it but settling on, “endeavor, perhaps it would have been safer. What I didn’t account for was -” He swallows hard, and Caleb sees that he’s blinking back tears, he sees the way his hands tremble in his lap. “Liking you all,” he admits, his voice tortured, heartbroken. “And there’s nothing worse than betraying those you come to care about before you even came to care about them.”

And now Caleb looks away briefly, pressing the palm of his hand into his eyes.

“At least not in my experience,” Essek continues. “And regret is a very new sensation.” He gives a self deprecating, humorless ghost of a laugh. “The pain is somewhat comforting ‘cause I am my own punishment.”

Caleb feels the scars on his skin and hears the screams in his head, sees the fire in his memories. He knows what it's like to be your own punishment.

“Do you still want what you started out wanting?” Jester asks quietly.

“I’ve spent my life working towards it,” Essek answers. He sighs shakily. “But I think things got a little out of hand.”

“What do you want?” Jester presses, returning to her earlier question.

Essek looks at her. “I’ve already told you. There are so many mysteries around these beacons, around dunamis - what it's capable of. My entire life I’ve been propped up to be,” he rushes out. “Perhaps worthy of being one to break those boundaries.” He meets Caleb’s gaze again before looking back at Jester. “To find applications for it that could - change everything. And if I don’t do it,” and there’s that humorless laugh again, painful and aching. “The first person who does -” He frowns, his expression severe. “I don’t trust them.”

And this - Caleb’s heard enough. He closes the distance between the two of them, dropping down to his knees in front of him, putting a hand on his cheek and turning Essek’s face to his. “You listen to me.”

* * *

“I know what you are talking about,” Caleb starts, his breath ghosting over Essek’s face. Essek won’t meet his eyes. “I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor.” He’s looking down, can see the way Caleb’s chest is heaving beneath his black coat. “I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes.” His hand moves across Essek’s cheek, his thumb coming to rest there as his fingers splay against his neck, right beneath his ear, leaving trails of fire in their wake. “And I was like you. Was,” Caleb emphasizes. His other hand comes to Essek’s lap, finding Essek’s hand and holding it tightly. “I know what a fool I have been for years,” and now Essek finally works up the nerve to meet Caleb’s gaze, he can see the determination that lies in that familiar blue - not cold, not anymore. “And I’m looking at him as if I am looking in a mirror. You didn’t account for us. Good.” He squeezes Essek’s hand. “That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared, no one is ready.” He picks up their joined hands, motions around them. “These people changed me.” He squeezes his hand again, voice raw with emotion. “These people can change you.”

Caleb runs his thumb along Essek’s cheek, and Essek realizes that there are tears running down his face. He tries to look away. He’s already changed so much, ever since they waltzed into his life. Ever since Caleb walked into the Bright Queen’s throne room with his head bowed before he brought Essek to his knees in one fell swoop.

“You were not born with venom in your veins,” Caleb continues, turning his face again until he looks at him. “You learned it.” He squeezed his hand, and Essek tightened his grip in return as if Caleb were a lifeline. “You learned it.” His eyes searched Essek’s face. “You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself. And we are offering it.” He lets go of Essek’s hand, and Essek is afraid that Caleb didn’t find what he was looking for, or that maybe he saw too much, but then Caleb places his hand softly on Essek’s shoulder. “And I am pleading with you, to find your better self.” His hand slips down, coming to rest on Essek’s chest, over Essek’s heart. “He is still there,” Caleb breathes.

He knows Caleb can feel his frenzied heartbeat beneath his palm, the beat erratic and out of rhythm to match the mess he’s in, as if he were trying to bring two heart beats into sync in his chest while having both threaten to stop entirely.

“There is,” Essek whispers. “No path to redemption for me. If - if what has been done comes to light - if what you are seemingly looking to correct is known -” He shakes his head, closing his eyes. He’s always been such a fucking coward. “Then I am a dead man.”

Silence greets his words for a beat, before he feels soft lips press ever so gently against his forehead. Caleb’s thumb caresses his cheek again as his other hand presses firm over his heart, and Caleb’s touch is devastation on Essek’s skin, a kindness that a man like him doesn’t deserve.

“Maybe you and I are both damned,” Caleb says against his skin, voice completely wrecked as he presses another kiss to Essek’s forehead, and he feels his heart knit itself back together as it beats with purpose beneath Caleb’s hand. “But we can choose to do something, and leave it better than it was before.”

And, gods, wasn’t it so cruel, wasn’t it so unbearably ironic that this was the moment where Essek realized that he was absolutely, irreversibly in love with this man?

Essek reaches up, holding onto Caleb’s coat tightly. “You weren’t part of the plan,” he repeats in a breath, his voice breaking. “And now you’re all in terrible danger for the things that you know.”

“So be it,” Caleb whispers, pulling away and retaking his place right in front of Essek, on his knees, sharing the same breath.

“I have not cared for anyone but myself for the century I’ve been alive,” Essek admits - letting the thrill of these feelings, of this terror, crash over him without restraint.

Jester steps closer, gently reaching out and taking Essek’s free hand in hers.

“Who are you today?” Caduceus asks him. “Not then, right now - it's all that matters.”

“It can be disorienting having friends get under your skin,” Caleb tells him.

Essek lets out a heavy sigh, leaning into Caleb’s touch for comfort. He only allows himself the luxury for a second. “I cannot be here.”

Caduceus shakes his head. “We have to know what’s coming, we have to - we need to know what you paid, what you’ve set in motion, we-we - we’re gonna have to take care of it.”

He can’t look at Caleb as he says his next words. “If I tell you, will you let me go?” He’s already risking too much by being here for so long - he’s risking them too much. And yet, he can’t bring himself to let go of Caleb, his fingers still holding onto the front of his coat. He can’t bring himself to pull away from the hand that holds his face like his skin is made of glass.

“I don’t know,” Caduceus answers. “But -”

“Well, I-I won’t let you leave until you do,” Yasha quietly adds, speaking up after having been silent for almost the entirety of the conversation. “You can certainly try.”

Essek closed his eyes again. They already knew the information that would get them killed - hiding anything wouldn’t be doing them any favors. He looks up at Caleb. “We are returning the right beacon, the one that I gave.” He swallows hard. “And they are keeping the one that they found. Their research is to continue - and we are to correspond as the research progresses. There is intent to end this war,” Essek rushes out. “It has run its purpose. They have what they want, I’ll have what I want -” but he knows that isn’t true, he knows that’s not true. He’s always held the losing hand in this deal, and now the stakes are higher than ever. “And everyone out there will have what they want, an end to this conflict.”

“So what’s the bad stuff?” Jester asks.

He turns to her. “The bad stuff is if you tell anyone, or try to stop it.” They would all be hunted and slaughtered like animals.

“This beacon - it goes back to the Bright Queen?” Fjord presses, and Essek starts when he realizes that Beauregard and Fjord had joined them without him even realizing it.

“And it's totally fine, it's unchanged?” Jester follows up.

Essek shakes his head against Caleb’s palm. “There is no great plan - there is no espionage, there is no anything. We’re just putting all the pieces back and hope that nobody notices.”

Jester frowns. “Then, why’s it bad? Why would we tell anyone? You’re stopping the war, you’re getting what you want.”

She puts it so simply, so easily, that Essek can’t say anything but, “Then you won’t?”

“Well, I can’t say I have a lot of faith in the Empire’s intentions in this situation,” Caleb tells him, his fingers curling against the spot on Essek’s chest, right over his heart.

“I mean this, this doesn’t really change our plans, this doesn’t change what we, really, what we knew, before,” Caduceus says.

“We just, you know, want to make sure that the beacon that’s going back isn’t going to try to explode everyone,” Jester shrugs.

Her worry brings a small smile out of Essek. “You do not need to worry about that. We were coming along to ensure that outside interests that may wish to see the war continue are kept at bay.” And with groups like the Angel of Irons lurking on the fringes of civilization, it was a very real threat.

“Who all knows of your plans?” Fjord asks.

“Oh, myself and a few select members of the Assembly,” Essek answers, being purposefully vague.

“The Martinet,” Caleb says. It isn’t a question.

Essek nods. “The Martinet.”

“What about Icky?” Jester’s eyes narrow.

He swallows down the bile that rises in his throat, holding onto Caleb tighter. “I believe Trent is also aware.” Right now - it's not the time. He can’t risk whatever is happening here, whatever mercy is keeping him alive and is keeping them at his side.

“That guy’s a fuckhole,” Jester groans.

“You’re not wrong,” he agrees. He thinks of Caleb’s arms, of the jagged skin, of the haunted look in his eyes. Essek was working with monsters.

“And what do you want with the prisoners?” Beauregard brings up. “What’s with the prisoner exchange?”

“Who are all the prisoners?” Jester asks. “Is it the ones we know of or are there secret prisoners?”

“There are only two prisoners as part of this agreement that will be passed over,” Essek tells them. He shakes off memories of the Dungeon of Penance, of the Taskhand’s sobs as he slammed his head against his cell.

“You didn’t kill them, did you?” Caduceus says, raising a brow.

“No - part of the agreement was to not have our prisoner killed and not theirs, so.” He sighs. “Vence is being passed over to us, and the prisoner of we have already spoken to is to be passed over to the Empire.”

“You said we were in danger because of what we know - who knows what we know?” Fjord looks at him sharply, and he remembers dinner at the Xhorhaus, what feels like a lifetime away, how Fjord had said he wanted to see the group safe and protected. “Just you, right?”

Essek thinks for a second. “Just myself,” he tells them. “The Martinet and Trent - well, there was one more, though I have not met her.”

“Met her?” Fjord repeats.

“Astrid?” Jester guesses. “Was her name Astrid?”

“No,” Essek shakes his head. “She’s another member of the Assembly.”

“DeRogna,” Caleb says quietly.

He nods. “DeRogna - that’s the name. She was commanding a period of experimentation with it. As far as I know, those are the only ones.” He shrugs. “But we hold a tense mutually assured self-destruction.”

“So you lot started this war, and now you’re going to finish it,” Veth began slowly.

“Yes,” Essek agreed.

“And we’re just s’pposed to turn the other way and pretend like you’re not all a bunch of traitors?” she finished.

“Yes?” Essek repeated, sounding unsure.

Veth let out a huff of breath. “I mean, I like you, but the other ones.” She looked around at the group. “We’re just going to let them get away with it?”

“They always have,” Essek got out. And that had been part of the appeal, hadn’t it? They always got away with everything - Essek was supposed to be untouchable.

He feels Caleb’s fingers against his skin, his hand still on his chest, his own fingers tangled in the fabric of Caleb’s coat, and Essek knows he’s never been more touchable, more vulnerable, but he finds that he doesn’t mind when he’s beneath Caleb’s hands.

“Thousands have died, Essek,” Beauregard reminds him. “Thousands of innocents.”

Caleb looks down, his fingers pressing into Essek’s skin gently. “And I know for a fact that one of the people you have been negotiating with would throw you, me, any one of us, any member of the country he helps govern, into the fire.” He meets Essek’s gaze. “Anyone. I think your intentions are good, but I think, perhaps, your vision has been clouded.”

“My intentions were never good,” Essek corrected quietly. “They were _important_.” He spits out the last word like it was something vile.

“You’re gonna have to make a lot of babies,” Jester gets out, her brow furrowed worriedly.

Both Essek and Caleb slowly turned to look at her.

“I’m not sure that’s how,” Caduceus started.

“Just so many, it's just,” Jester trailed off.

“So,” Caleb continued, drawing Essek’s attention back to him. “Let’s talk about what we are going to do next. Obviously this plan needs to move forward.”

“Optimally, yes,” Essek agreed.

“ _Ja_ ,” Caleb nodded.

“You’re not going to betray us again, Essek, you’re not going to, like, leave here and tell everyone that we know and then get us killed?” Jester asks, looking absolutely heartbroken by the thought of that.

The shame and regret that cascades over him has him retreating into himself. “Well, that depends - you show me a kindness -”

“We’ve done nothing but show you kindness,” Jester softly reminds him.

He nods, feeling tears burn in his eyes again. “You’re not wrong,” he gets out, looking down.

“We’re gonna need a certain amount of honesty going forward,” Caduceus tells him. “Rebuild some trust. Otherwise, well, I,” he gestures to Yasha. “Yasha, I mean, she’s better at that part, I’m not gonna - I’m not gonna.”

“Well, you have been spilling secrets to people on the Assembly,” Caleb says. “Now you can spill secrets to us. And we will move forward, with this plan.” He runs his thumb over Essek’s cheek one last time, before dropping his hand to instead cover the hand Essek has holding onto Caleb’s coat. “And I am telling you there is a very high likelihood that the people that you are dancing with mean to cut your throat and leave you in the dust. With many others.”

“Then perhaps it is best that I surround myself with friends?” Essek suggests, referring to all of them even though his eyes remain on Caleb. “To protect me?” He glances around at them now. “For the enemy of my friend, is my enemy indeed, yes?”

“Is this charade at sea what it really appears to be?” Fjord responds with a question of his own instead. “No tricks, no double-crosses, no twists or turns?”

“No tampering with the artifact?” Caleb adds.

“Not from us,” Essek assures. “We have nothing to gain by it going awry.”

Caleb looks down. “Well, you have a plan in place and you think that will end this conflict. I don’t know that we agree - however, we move forward.” And when Caleb meets his gaze, it feels like a physical blow to Essek. “Can we count on you? When the deal sours?”

“I have far more allegiance to you than I do any Empire or Dynasty,” Essek answers without a hint of hesitation. Not for the Kryn, or for the Empire, or for the Assembly - but for the Mighty Nein, Essek would put it all on the line, _was_ putting it all on the line. “For I have not had any for either.”

“You are a broken person,” Veth starts, shaking her head, and it makes Essek’s shoulders pinch at her words. “Who had ill intentions and wandered aimlessly into a path that you had no intention - or no idea how to complete.” She looks between him and Caleb, shrugging. “And yet somehow along the way you found a heart.” She looked around at the group. “You sound like all of us.” She smiled softly at him. “Welcome to the Mighty Nein.”

* * *

Essek gives Veth a watery smile, the pain in his eyes ever present as it's been throughout their whole conversation.

“Oh, also, I-I’m the goblin,” Veth clarifies, gesturing to herself. “From before.”

“Right,” Essek nodded, brows raising in slight surprise. “No, I - then I assume that it worked, then, yes?” he asks, looking at Caleb.

“ _Ja,_ we, ah, removed the, the impediment,” Caleb tells him, and he gives Essek a small smile. “That we had discussed with you, yeah.”

“I gathered,” Essek got out, looking back to Veth.

“Yeah, we broke my mom’s tub doing -” Jester started, before her eyes widened. “Mama - I gotta go, I gotta go!” She let go of Essek’s hand, quickly moving towards the door. “I gotta go!”

“Very well,” Essek says, watching as Jester darted out of the room before Fjord sighed and followed after her. “That was -”

“Is this the thing we’re doing?” Caduceus asks, watching the pair leave too.

“No, no, no, no - this is important, we should stay here,” Veth replied.

Essek took a shaky breath, looking back at Veth. “I, ah, I appreciate what you’re saying.” He looks down, his shame dragging over him like a shroud. “I am thankful that you have a modicum of faith in me. Undeserving as that may it be.” He let go of Caleb’s coat, turning his palm against Caleb’s and twining their fingers together. “Um, it is in that interest that I just want to warn you about getting too close. I am tied to a lot of dangerous individuals and teeter in the shadows at the crux of all of this conflict, intentional as it may not have been.” He looks down at their joined hands. “I would never want to put you in a situation - or put myself in a situation where I would have to choose between myself and the rest of you.”

“Why don’t you talk us through the next few days and weeks?” Caleb suggested. He sincerely hoped it never came to a situation where they’d have to choose between Essek and each other either - he didn’t want to consider what that might turn into.

“Well, ah,” Essek started. “I currently exist in a delicate balance with the Cerberus Assembly, for either could reveal the charade to the detriment of the other - and there is respect,” Essek rushed out, but he didn’t seem so sure. “At least I believe, on an intellectual level. But,” he shrugged. “I am but one working across from many. I think my utility with the Assembly, continuing to cover up this endeavor from the inside of the Dynasty as well as my insights into the dunamantic interests make me too valuable at the moment to be...” He sighed. “Buried. But that doesn’t mean that I can stop being paranoid.” He squeezed Caleb’s hand between both of his. “Nor can I assume that my presence to you doesn’t put you in continuous danger either. So, um, in time I hope this will pass, but for now - we will, _I_ will continue to escort the handful of Assembly members to this negotiation and if you are indeed coming with your ship as well.” He looked around, at the ship, at all of them, before looking back at Caleb. “You will be nearby, we will oversee the transference of the beacon to the Dynasty as well as the trade of the prisoners. Some discussions and agreements will hopefully come to bear and to bring the outer conflict, the public conflict to an end.” He dropped his gaze. “After which, we stay quiet, I go back to the Dynasty, the Assembly returns to their research, and we continue as if none of this,” he nods his head in the vague direction of the Assembly’s ship. “Had happened.”

Veth glanced around at the group, wringing her hands. “Well, I, ah - it's hard to f - hard to forecast out past the next few days. But, I mean, let’s not kid ourselves that at some point someone is going to have to pay for some of the damage that has been done.”

Essek gives her a pained smile. “I admire your sense of heroism, but history is full of people who have not paid for their sins.”

“Full with a lot of people who have,” Beau countered.

“Some,” Essek agreed.

Caduceus crossed his arms, giving Beau a pointed look. “Full of people who have paid for others.”

“A-and while we feel a kinship towards you,” Veth continued, addressing Essek. “And, ah, apparently you towards us, unless you’re lying about that.”

He sighs, looking down.

“There’s nothing necessarily stopping us from enacting justice on other folks who have been involved in this scheme,” Veth tells him.

“I am not going to get in the way of any perceived vengeances,” Essek assured. He looked around at all of them. “Just do know that it is safest that I not involve myself in particular with such endeavors.”

“Of course,” Veth nodded. “It might help us though if we knew if there were any members of the Cerberus Assembly or anyone that you are particularly beholden to or allied with that we should steer clear of? Or be especially mindful of?”

“The Martinet is extremely intelligent,” Essek said after thinking for a second. “And very resourceful, so the less that can be revealed to him, the safest we all are.” He frowns. “Ah, Lady Vess DeRogna is clever in her own way. And I am curious to what her involvement is to the biting North in particular - that may or may not be involved in this, but I trust her less than most I think.”

“Are you prepared for all of this to go sideways on you?” Caleb asks.

“Always,” Essek answers, giving him a sad smile. Before Caleb can say anything else, Essek continues, “I have been for the three years since we began this plot.”

“I, ah, feel conflicted about this,” Caleb admits. “But would like to see even a temporary end to conflict.”

“Well,” Essek shrugs, giving a nervous laugh. “Outwardly.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” Beau grounds out. “What does that mean?”

He turned to her. “I would hope that in your studies within the Cobalt Soul you understand that conflict is perpetual.”

Beau nodded. “I do. I’m just curious what your brand is.”

Caleb could feel the tension beginning to rise, could hear the bite in Beau’s voice. “Well, he has acknowledged that they are keeping, ah, one of these artifacts in the Empire. And they are not doing it for posterity’s sake.”

Essek glanced between the two. “I mean, there has been a shadow war between the Dynasty and the Empire for decades. This is just the first time that it's brimmed out of the control of those that waged it.”

“When the Dynasty finds out that there’s another,” Caduceus sighed. “Artifact -”

“They cannot,” Essek pressed.

“ _When_ they find out,” Caduceus repeated, and Essek’s shoulders slumped, unable to counter Caduceus’ words.

“Then let's hope we are far away,” Essek got out. “And well protected, when it happens.”

“Let’s hope it takes a very long time,” Caduceus says. “Or that it make its way home without anyone ever having to admit it was gone in the first place.”

Caleb watched Essek’s face carefully, recognized the downward tilt of his lips and the furrow of his brow. “Doesn’t seem like you have a choice here. You seem fairly well painted into a corner.”

“So it would seem,” Essek agreed, meeting Caleb’s gaze. There was something new in his eyes, something aside the regret and fear. It was almost like - relief. “But,” Essek began, his mouth twisting into a frown as he struggled to put his words together. “I have gotten this far by leaning into my resources.” He frowned, and suddenly fear was the only thing in his eyes. “I know I can protect myself. I don’t think I can protect all of you.” He gave Caleb a desperate, pleading look. “And that is why I’m worried.”

He dropped his hand from Essek’s chest, letting it fall and clasp both of Essek’s hands between his. “Well, I would just hope that if things go pear shaped on us, counted on how you hope and believe things will go, if your life is in danger and our lives as well -” Caleb held Essek’s gaze. “That you are willing to work with your friends to survive it.”

“To survive it,” Essek nodded once, stiff but sure. “Yes.”

“But make no mistake,” Caleb continued, and it broke his heart to let go of Essek, to climb to his feet and look down on him from where he stood. He looked so small, so fragile, sitting on that crate, his hands falling apart from where they had been held together between Caleb’s own. Essek’s hands looked empty, palms open in his lap. “We do not trust you.”

“Good,” Essek got out, his hands turning into shaking fists that he hid amongst the folds of his cloak. “That’ll help you survive.”

Caleb reached out, thumb running along Essek’s cheek again for a beat. His skin was soft beneath his touch, the tear tracks still not dry where they had fallen. “It doesn’t mean we don’t hope for you,” he whispered. Essek closed his eyes at the touch. “It’s a tricky balance, Essek.”

“Isn’t everything,” Essek said, opening his eyes and meeting Caleb’s gaze. He sighed when Caleb dropped his hand. “Even if this is successful and the war is declared over - that doesn’t mean everything goes back to normal. The tangled espionage between both sides of this has gone on for long and will continue to go. The Augen Trust is deeply ingrained, as is the Lens. And we just have to be careful who we tell anything to.” He looked around at all of them. “My recommendation is nothing to anyone.”

“Well, if there’s anything we are adept at it's being careful and keeping information close to the vest,” Veth grinned confidently.

Essek nodded, giving her a small smile as some of the tension bled out of the room over the sound of Caduceus quiet laughter. “We are in so much trouble,” Essek sighed.

“And there’s no one else - no one else has your ear in this way?” Caleb asked him.

“No,” Essek answered, his eyes never straying from Caleb.

“At least try and keep us informed,” Caduceus requested.

“Of course,” Essek agreed. “To the best of my ability.”

Caduceus nodded. “Of course.”

Essek looked around at all of them, mournful and pained, and looking so, so small. “Once again, for whatever it's worth, I am sorry.”

“Apology accepted, at least from here,” Caduceus assured him - and gods, wasn’t Caduceus and best and the bravest of them, able to voice something like that at a time like this when the words were all but caught in Caleb’s throat?

“He doesn’t speak for all of us,” Beau snapped.

“I definitely do not,” Caduceus shrugged.

Beau kicked off of the wall she was leaning against. She nodded to the door. “Why don’t you get some rest, Essek.”

“You do the same,” Essek replied. “The night is still young, I would hate for you to waste,” he gestured at Caleb, looking away as a dark blush crawled up his neck. “Such a polished presentation.” He slowly stands, and it strikes Caleb again how Essek is shorter than him, it strikes something in his chest that drives the feelings he’d refused to acknowledge on the docks deep into his heart. Then Essek brings himself to his usual height, the levitation magic bringing him an inch or two off the ground. He looks around at all of them, at Caleb. “Good night,” he says quietly, his form shimmering before he is once again Lord Dezran Thain.

“If you truly hope for a second chance, truly,” Caleb advises. “Step very carefully with us.”

“Glide,” Veth corrects, prompting an amused snort out of Beau.

Lord Dezran Thain gives him a long look, but it's still Essek’s eyes, pained and regretful as he sighs before he makes his way quietly out of the room, heading for the stairs that will let him leave the ship.

* * *

The silence of his tower was absolutely stifling as he walked up the winding staircase, heading to his chambers. He didn’t even bother to levitate. He didn’t have the strength to keep up appearances when he didn’t have to.

Essek hadn’t even left the Mighty Nein’s ship after they let him go, opting to just _teleport_ from the slightly obscured deck of the _Balleater_. He would explain his disappearance from the party to Ludinus tomorrow, telling him that he left to avoid interacting with the Mighty Nein after a close call with Jester. It was a half-truth, after all.

Walking past a mirror, he realized he was still in his Thain _disguise_. He instantly dispelled it, regretting it just as quickly. He couldn’t stand the sight of himself.

His eyes were puffy, his hair disheveled, and when he looked down at his hands he found them shaking. He wasn’t surprised. He was shaken to his core.

Turning away, he kept going until he was shutting the door to his room behind himself, leaning heavily against the wood.

This wasn’t part of the plan - they weren’t part of the plan.

And now they were in so much danger, because they knew, because they let him live, because they let him go, because he cared about them, and because they, against their better judgement, seemed to care about him too. 

He isn’t sure how long he stayed there, staring at nothing while he stewed in his regrets and worries and fears, when suddenly he heard a familiar voice at the back of his head.

_“Um, hi, how’re you feeling?_ ” Jester asked, and just receiving that much almost brought him to tears again. _“D’you feel guilty or are you happy? Are you just crying in your room right now? We’re thinking about you.”_

Swallowing thickly, he answered, _“I am just contemplating what is to come._ ” He closed his eyes, tipping his head back to lean against the door. _“I appreciate what sliver of trust allowed me to leave. It’s not forgotten.”_

Essek waited for a second, hoping for another message to come through, but he was only met with silence. He sighed, pulling himself up and heading towards his bed. He stripped off his clothes as he went, letting them fall to the ground unceremoniously. He’d clean it up tomorrow. Right now, all he wanted was a few hours respite from his mistakes - he just wanted to trance and not have to think about anything anymore.

He crawled beneath his covers, burying his face into his pillow. It was soft, instantly reminding Essek of Caleb’s lips against his skin, of the gentle brush of comfort. Caleb, warm, soft, kind, Caleb. He felt tears prick his eyes. He had ruined everything, and Caleb had still offered him another chance, had extended that kindness, that trust.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, to no one in particular, to Caleb, to himself. “I’m so, so sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> Honey you're familiar like my mirror years ago  
> Idealism sits prison, chivalry fell on it's sword  
> Innocence died screaming, honey ask me I should know  
> ....because man, Hozier's From Eden continues to be THE Shadowgast song to end all Shadowgast songs
> 
> and there it is!!! so much pain!!! so much PAIN!!! like Jesus, you can just pinpoint when Essek's heart broke and when it kept breaking over and over and over again, that episode got me FUCKED UP
> 
> Bruh Hopeful Heartbeats' successful fortune’s favor bore fruit in ep 97 when caleb kissed him on the forehead SEND TWEET (because honestly, that little moment man, that meeting and that lesson all snowballed into this T.T)
> 
> and, as promised - a surprise!!! Since we're still on hiatus and I'm an Impatient Bitch with Many Ideas, I kinda started writing a multichapter fic that picks up right before the party and goes beyond episode 99!!! The first chapter will be going up after I publish this, so if you're feeling it feel free to [check it out!!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23872966/chapters/57385546)
> 
> anyway, thank you so much for reading, and I really hope you guys liked it!! Stay safe and sound!! I love you all so much!! And now its time for me to knock the fuck out gang 'cause ya girl's sleepy
> 
> This fic was inspired by:  
> The Fancy and the Fooled | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 97 - Live from Chicago! - 2:28:00 - 2:32:50, 3:04:35, 3:17:05 - 3:36:00, 3:48:30 - 4:12:40  
> Dark Waters | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 98 - 10:40 - 22:40, 44:10


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